another start - something i will work hard on

Dear blog,

I'm willing to give you a try to see how far i can do this. A description of my life currently is not what I have expected. However, I am so grateful for what I have and hope that it wouldn't be any worse.

MARRIAGE
The image i had myself with marriage is far far different from what the reality is. I didn't expect to have a 3rd member of the family so soon. Things changed when we got married. Our priorities were different and we soon became strangers again instead of soulmates. It felt like we were forced to be together and if we weren't married, we would have gone separate ways. Sometimes I wonder whether we did enough soul-searching or soul-surveying of the other half before we decide to get married and we had more than 5 years to do that but I guess we didn't.

GOING DOWN
My unexpected downfall started when I suddenly noticed H was always on the mobile phone. He was even karit with his phone. I even confronted him when I saw him sneaked his mobile to the bathroom for his morning shower - which was very peculiar. Of course, he covered it up by selling one of his friends name (friends of H - beware!) who had a problem and wanted to talk to him about it constantly (really, a guy friend nie he said). I, as a wife, understood and told him he just have to tell me bout it, not the problem, but the attention the 'friend' needed for him. Haha.. stupid me just fell for it.

INSTINCTS AND HUNCHES
My hunch though wasn't satisfied until I checked his mobile phone at a particular dawn. Baby was 6 months that time and I couldn't sleep because he was already kicking actively and BOOM! That's when I found the messages. Oh the anger, oh the pain, oh the trust then was all in a whirlwind. I got myself some time to think about it after work - confided in S pun wasn't worth it because he was not at my side. When we finally talked, that was even when I started to talk (H was not even planning to try i guess), H confided and it has been going on for few months. It was a form 5 student who just finished o-levels supposedly confiding him for teacher-student consultation because she felt suicidal. It became more than a consultation and that's when it all started. H of course, losing all the weight now, was eager to try new things, eager to have all the attention that he never had. I was still pregnant then, hormone syndromes tend to overtake me by storm. H apologized, said sorry again and again, cried, wouldn't do it again and will try to work on it for the sake of the unborn child and the family. I told him, he has to work on getting my trust back since I can't trust him no more. Of course, H said yes.

TBC